Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
