Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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