So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
