in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
