My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
