Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
3 2 1 whiskey
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
