you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
