i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
