it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
