god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
