well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
