I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
