if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
