Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
