I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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