barbara walters just said penis...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
he's gonorrhea incarnate
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
