Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
