I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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