You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
