He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
