I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
