my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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