I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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