I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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