ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
