Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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