I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
