Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
