strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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