Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
