I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
