See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
