woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
