Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
