This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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