Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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