wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We are two peas in an std pod
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
