Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
