____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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