Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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