just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
as a side note pls kill me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
