two words: eviction party
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
