so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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