if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
