I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
