What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
