im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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