The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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