I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
