Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
