you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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