my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
